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| I remember discussing with a close friend whether or not I would be able to write an essay in a state of inebriation. We came to the conclusion I should try blogging drunk before I try writing an essay. So to test out whether or not I can collectively organize my thoughts into a well-written essay, I decided to try blogging. Tonight, I had a good amount of alcohol. Well, a good amount for me. Especially seeing as how I haven't drank in quite some time, or at least drank on a regular basis like I used to. I'd like to experiment with this idea of typing under the influence.
I don't find it difficult collecting my thoughts and reflecting on it under the influence of Jack Daniel's and Remy Martin, I find it difficult collecting my thoughts while watching Forrest Gump. I just wonder if this movie was always this good. This is only my third time watching it in my lifetime. I saw it once as a very young child and hardly knew what I was watching. I watched it again in middle school and had a very weak comprehension of it. Watching it again as a 20yr-old young adult half-drunk is quite an interesting experience. If anything, its pretty enlightening and it warms your heart. Every song that plays just accompanies the scenes that they show up in quite nicely. The music does this movie quite a lot of justice. This movie's pretty inspiring however fictional it may be. It even achieved the impossible of making me shed a few tears.
I don't see myself getting much sleep tonight. I've been coming back and writing this blog on and off for the duration of the movie and it just ended. I also proceeded to pop in Moulin Rouge and I plan on watching Click after this movie as well. I guess I just wanted to feel a rush of emotions tonight and possibly shed some more tears seeing as how it's been quite some time since I've let loose and allow my emotions to get the best of me. I also predict that I will work on this blog throughout the remainder of the night with the lasting effects of the alcohol I've ingested. We'll see how all of this pans out.
I was going to stop drinking for the rest of the night seeing as how I started to sober up, but I decided to grab the bottle of Remy Martin and some more ice tea. I've been diluting my alcohol with ice tea, sounds pretty strange huh? Sounds strange, but doesn't taste that bad actually. Lipton's Sparkling Iced Tea.
I can't tell you how many times I've watched Moulin Rouge. I've actually watched it quite a number of times with the subtitles on so I could sing along with the actors. I think I may be developing some sort of complex that conflicts with my personalities. Speaking of personalities, I think I may have dual personalities. There are times when I'm extremely sensitive and do very bitch-like things like watch chick flicks, like Moulin Rouge, and listen to loads of sensual R&B, and fall for sappy love animes. While there are other times when I'm straight belligerent and get in touch with a more animalistic nature and lose all of my inhibitions and black out. The more animalistic side, from what my friends tell me, comes out when I'm inebriated. They say that it's a mental placebo and that I'm better than the alcohol, but I beg to differ from the horror stories that they tell me. I guess the man and the Marine in me comes out when I have some whiskey in my system. Though it might be hard to believe if you know who I am and how I act, but apparently when I'm drunk and unaware of my actions, I become what I've been trained to become. Whatever it is that may be.
I think that the times when I've been the most happy are when I'm surrounded by my friends or when I'm under the influence of "love" or what I perceive as love. Despite the terrible times I've had with love, I can say that its taught me quite a lot and has shaped me into the so-called "Man" I have become today. I stand firm in the idea that I'm more of a lover than a fighter, which makes me question my choice in profession. But, I will always remain a hopeless romantic seeking love to fill that empty void in his life. I will always be chasing after some girl hopeless trying to save her with my Superman complex. The only time I'm happy is when I'm "in love" and putting forth all of my efforts in making that girl happy. What seems to be the problem is me maintaining that mindset and staying true to my words and beliefs. I have yet to stay true to my idealistic look upon love. I always stray from the path or find myself faced with only lust rather than love. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. It could just be my friend Remy speaking right now. I'll never know for sure until the next morning when I re-read this blog, if I ever do even re-read it.
I don't think I'll ever fully understand love and that I'll be doomed to perpetually pursue and try to find a working definition of it. But, from what I've experienced and have been experiencing, its an indescribable feeling that I can't seem to put down in words. It's the worst and the greatest feeling out there. I hate it, but I crave it. Is it possible to feel love so early on in a relationship or is it just lust in a more evolved form that is still maturing? I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore other than the fact that love is such a distant yet familiar feeling to me. I don't take the word "love" for granted. It's a feeling that I don't like to toy with and it's a word that I scarcely use to describe my feelings.
From what I remember of my drunken experience, at least the experience leading up to the moment that I don't remember much, it's quite an ordeal; for my friends and myself. What I remember from the alcohol in my system is that it must be on the same level as being enlightened. I think. I could be wrong. My arms feel heavy, yet they're so light to move and my head is extremely clouded and fogged, however I feel as if I think straighter as my vision begins to blur. I may lose actual vision, as in sight, but I feel as if I gain a better understanding of the conflicts in my life and that vision grows ever so clear. I may not be able to make any rational decisions, but I can reflect upon certain thoughts rationally. If that makes any sense at all.
I don't know what I"m talking about anymore and I'm extremely surprised that I haven't made any spelling mistakes in this blog, I think. But, I think it is time for me to retire and fall asleep to some movies. I hope that I will be able to reflect upon this blog sober someday and understand what the fuck I was trying to get at. I leave on this note and wish.
I wish that your dreams may be sweeter than mine. Good night to you all and may we all find love someday in some shape or form. Good night my dear friends <3.
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| A little while ago I blogged about how I sat in the bleachers and watched the sun rise with my friend Givs. Well, that morning we saw angel wings in the clouds. That was pretty neat. Today, however I was on the train on my way to school and I looked out the window of the train. I saw that the sky was a mixture of orange, red, and yellow. That didn't surprise me much because I assumed that the sun was coming up. What did surprise me was that I saw a skull in the clouds in the mix of that reddish morning sky. That creeped me out, especially after watching the Excorcism of Emily Rose the night prior. I've just been a little paranoid since I saw that this morning. I hate being superstitious, but sometimes you just can't help it. Man, demons exist whether I want to believe in them or not. But, I hope to God that they leave me the fuck alone, because I already have my own demons to wrestle with.
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| "Firing without moving forward is a waste of ammo. Moving forward without firing or fire support is just straight suicide." -Gunnery Sergeant Suthers (India Company 3rd Platoon Sgt. Instructor)
I guess that would apply in combat and in life. Sometimes you just need to move on in life and go further. I don't think I was ever taught how to strategically retreat or even retreat at all in Bootcamp or at OCS. I think the only thing I was trained to do as an enlisted Marine and an Officer Candidate was to advance and move forward. Never look back, never retreat, and fight 'til you can't anymore. Article III of the Code of Conduct: "If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and to aid others to secape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy." Even the Article of Conduct refuses defeat and tells you to continue fighting. I'm a Marine. I shouldn't ever remain in one spot awaiting defeat. It's time to move forward and to move forward blazing with fire. I have people to give supporting fire and I'm laying down some fire myself. | | |
| I just opened some long overdue mail... not good news. Marine Corps overpaid me and now i owe $509.36 and the Marine Corps didn't pay for my hospital bill at Stafford Hospital in Virginia... that's $429 that's overdue. FUCKED BY THE BIG GREEN WEENIE of the Marine Corps. Semper Fi. and a $900 credit card bill due to my irresponsibility. I should really take that Finance MCI. and class at 7AM. FML<3. WTF?!?!
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| OCS. Not getting sent to MCT. Blowing madd loot on stupid shit. Bboyism. Alcohol ice cubes with Pete. Stoges on my front porch with Phil. Seeing wings in the sky with Givs. Reality check in a Jeep Liberty. MMA with Julz and Khalil. Jackson with the crew and family. Trying to hit up the Wondergirls. Getting denied and ignored by all of the Wondergirls. The beach with Dyman. Chilling with Lisa, finally. Team Asia. Choking and getting choked by a Russian at Pete's. Finally going back to Sports Authority. Padiddle. =]
Fuck you Rutgers-Newark. <3
Thank God for the Marine Corps.
Semper Fidelis.
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